Our Story

Our story begins long ago with my Grandfather. He was always known to have made the statement that if possible to come back after death, he would choose to come back as a deer, as they were beautiful, wild, and free. Upon his passing, my Mother and Uncle were on their way home and saw a beautiful large buck deer and she says that a feeling came over her. The deer stopped in it's flight to turn around and watch then as they went by. My Mother said that if it were possible to happen that it must surely be their Dad. She tells me that since that time that whenever there are trials or the "important" things that come her way in life that the deer always seems to make his appearance and show up at just the right time. And that she has found out that if she follows the rule of "If I see the deer" That she knows without fail that she is heading the right pathway of her life.

The night before my Grandmother's passing, I was on one side of her bed holding her hand, my Mother on the other. She looked at me and said "Mona, in the morning the deer will be here, he will be right outside that window, it is the spirit of my Daddy and he will be waiting to take my Mother home... Well I didn't think really that much about it all until the next morning. We were back at my Grandmother's side having our first cup of morning coffee and trying hard to let her share in it with us. Suddenly my Mother looked up with a strange expression on her face and said "Mom, I will be right back". She turned and walked to the front of the room to the window and stood in silence for a moment, then called to me. I could not believe my eyes, for there staring right at us was the most beautiful deer, and exactly in the very spot my Mother had told me the night before that it would be. The deer stayed looking at us seemingly right into our eyes, and us at him for what seemed the longest time. My Mother then walked back to my Grandmother. I stayed at the window watching in total awe hardly able to believe my eyes. Then two more deer appeared at it's side. I called to my Mother, telling her what I had seen. She to my Grandmother, "Mom, Grandma, Dad, and my baby Brother Richard are outside waiting for you". My Grandmother replied "I Know"... Then the deer left walking back into the woods.

That night as we held her my Grandmother left us... As the hearse came to take her away, the man said " There had been a large deer run across the road in front of them on their way! At her funeral, there was a beautiful picture of a deer framed at the side of her that my Brother had drawn, above the drawing he had written :

Grandma
May Your Soul
Forever Run Free
In The Wilderness Of Heaven...

Well that is pretty much the story, there are more feelings than words to explain. But I like to think that the deer does carry the spirit of my Grandfather, and that he was waiting for her. That again they were joined together and he walked with her on her journey to Heaven...


My Mother, Donna Davis became an endangered missing person on Oct. 8th, 2009 at around 12:45 p.m. She made phone calls to family and myself saying that she was taking her life by pills. She was not found until Oct. 21st, 13 days later at around 10:30 a.m. by a hunter and was dead. She had only been dead for 1-2 days, so had apparently been in her car in a coma of sort for 10 - 11 days still alive. (This information was from talking to St. Louis University School Of Medicine where her body did get donated) She was exactly 11 miles from her home parking spot and approximately 1/4th or probably less mile from the main hwy.

The first picture was taken while I was out driving and looking for Mom before she was found. There was a mama and a baby deer standing in the middle of the road. The friend who was driving the vehicle was busy digging for the camera in the vehicle console just because it was neat, while I was just staring eye to eye with the deer in awe because of our "deer story" which at that time the friend really knew nothing about. I knew in my heart she would never be found alive at that very moment... The deer just stood still for a couple of moments, then the mama deer walked into the woods first, but the baby hesitated at the side of the road looking back at me, then they both just slowly walked on into the woods disappearing. By the time that my friend did get the camera and took the photo "with the window down" this is the photo which came back,though the deer are no longer visible. "There was nothing to have a reflection on". Personally, I see faces in each of the orbs, the top unknown, the bottom greatly resembles my Grandmother. I see it as that she was watching over me through the torment that I
was going through. After this incident I told him what I knew in my heart and "The Story".

After Mom was found I called the people which actually found her on their 4 wheeler, and they gave me exact directions to where she had been. It was
not hard to find anymore, and there was no doubt that it was the "EXACT" spot in any way as of the way the roads went, the details which they gave me, and the exact surroundings which they described, and also that it was the end of "no where left to go". I picked flowers which she had planted in front of her apartment and was so proud of and went there. I laid the flowers around where her car was parked and just talked with her... Upon readying to leave there was a doe deer which just stood and looked at me for a moment then slowly walked into the woods.

Almost a week later I felt the need to go back, so I bought a rose and left it along with a collection can with money in it still, and also the note saying Mama I Love You, Mona. Oh and by the way, strange it seemed to me that though there had been frost and they were very delicate flowers that I had left before they were not even wilted. I wish I had taken close ups of them as it was amazing actually. Then also is when I was given the developed photo of the first photo with the orbs in it! Somewhere deep inside my heart, I knew they were a sign meant just for me.

After looking at the photos and taking in what I could learn of this, I then HAD to go back again and with my camera. This time I asked the same friend to drive me. I listened to the tape of songs which I had made with special songs for her I picked to play when we had her memorial, and I totally just asked him to leave me alone and zoned my mind into prayer and asking God for forgiveness of asking for proof when I should be going on faith, and also asking my Mama to PLEASE help me and give me between her and God the proof which I needed to have peace with the situation and that she was really ok and at peace. This day on my return trip home I was praying for God to help me, my family, that the photos would show something, and I ended the prayer with " and Please take good care of my Mama up there". Within 10 seconds there was another doe deer standing at the side of the road which I just drove by!

THE PHOTOS DID! There were several photos taken on that day, but only one has a sign that I see. If you really look there is an orb in front of me, there is no sunlight on the space, it is in the shade and over the top of the leaves. There was NOTHING there to reflect in any way. Upon enlarging the spot it has the image of 2 people which in my heart and my eyes I KNOW is my Mama and my Grandma. As I had prayed to God and talked to them and asked for peace, I do truly believe this was my sign, my answer, and my peace... My Grandma was very tall and slender, my Mama a bit shorter and more plump. Their shapes are so plain to me. In my entire life there has only been the two that I have been so very close with. I love my children with every ounce of my heart, but it is a "different" relationship from which we had. I believe there are "different" kinds of love and "different" spots in our hearts. We truly had a "Special relationship", not just family, but best friends...

After this I have done research into this. It does not contradict God, Heaven, Hell, nor anything of the such. It does so totally show me what my mother always told me and helps me to make sense of EVERYTHING! Mom always told me that she believed in a Superior Being, by whatever you would want to call "it" by name. We and she did call him God. But she believed that our spirit was only energy, and that energy cannot ever go away, but rather only take on another form. Which is totally in the bible also. I truly believe that Heaven has to be different for each individual because we all are so very different that one's Heaven must surely be someone others Hell. I also have never thought or believed that God was just sitting on a cloud looking down on us, or that he lived on another planet or star somewhere else, but that he lived inside each and everyone of us, and within our hearts. Perhaps heaven / hell is right along side of us, just another dimension which we cannot see into? At least not until it is our time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The photos are not altered in any way except to crop for enlargement. (excuse my appearance, it was a bad day). The first set was taken with a disposable Kodak camera, the second with a Sony Cyber-Shot DSC-P93 digital. There were many photos taken, especially on the second day, all in the same location and within minutes of each other, but these two are the only ones that showed anything. I did return to the spot after viewing the photos and rummaged through the leaves to the bare ground looking for anything that might have created a reflection though the image is above the leaves, but I found nothing at all. I thus took my conclusion that it was indeed a sign from my loved ones that all was fine.













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Spirit Energy Orbs

The soul is the essence of life, and thus energy is what actually keeps the spirit alive.
Many feel that orbs, whether made up of one soul or of many, are floating balls of energy.
These balls or spheres house the spirit that once was located within a human body.
In fact, one of the telltale signs that an orb is truly a spiritual being and not some environmental phenomenon is a sort of pulsating, vibrating appearance caught with the naked eye or on video.
Perhaps the size and color of any spirit orb has much to do with the actual energy that a spirit displays.
It is believed discovering spirit orbs in different sizes and colors may be evidence of these orbs' auras or their electromagnetic fields.
The different colors represent different facets of each individual's personality, both before and after death.
Each orb may contain the energy of one or more entities.
It is believed spirits manifest as glowing spheres of gold, green, blue or crimson light.
Why a circle? There are various reasons associated with the belief that a globe or orb can house a spirit.
A circle encloses the spirit. A circle can house more than one spirit. It is easy for a circle or orb to travel. The circle is a common shape associated with nature, such as the moon and the sun. The circle represents eternity, which is forever for the soul.

I want to dream about my Mom...
I try so very hard to...
So many nights I focus on her while trying to sleep.
I long for a dream and some sort of communication with her.
It seems that I feel, but I want to see, hear, more of some sort...
But I can't...
I don't...
Usually...
But I did...
I dreamed we were in a house.
A really beautiful big house with lots and lots of windows which opened to a beautiful outdoors.
I do not know where it was.
She was sitting a couch and we both knew she was dead.
She looked very dead...
Cold and gray...
Just as cold as the last I held her when they had frozen her body...
Cold hurts her so badly...
Starting to begin decay...
I did not want her to know that her appearance bothered me...
It was a casual sort of conversation talking about what had happened, why, and the previous experiences of our lives together...
But there was someone or something trying to get into the house and I was so very afraid.
I wanted to pay more attention to her though.
I wanted her to know how much I loved her and how very important she was to me.
I wanted to tell her that I was sorry for anything I ever did that saddened her.
I did not want to frighten her, or let her know that I was frightened.
I was trying to make light of our conversation.
Be more normal...
I didn't want to hurt her feelings...
I was trying to focus more on her while still worrying about the house and who or what was trying to get in.
They were at the windows and doors, all over the place.
I tried to hug and kiss her.
She was as cold as ice.
Just like the last time I did when she was frozen solid and I held and kissed her before being sent away forever.
But she turned her head away from me and didn't say a word.
I was so very sad...
I felt as if she were angry with me...
Still someone was trying to get in.
I was so afraid...
I was so sad...
I woke up...

It is six moths today that her body was found, I dreamed this dream two nights ago.
I miss my Mama so very badly...

This morning I was leaving the house down my 1/4 mile driveway to the main road and I noticed a commotion at the fence line. There was a doe deer caught in the fence. She made it through the fence, and then just as fast turned and came back across the fence and the road within just a few feet of my vehicle. I have to add this, as strange, stupid and weird as it may sound to some...

I should make things more clear, it was the 8th of October the last I seen my Mother, and the 21st of October that her body was found.
13 Very long, hard days...

After a friend questioned, I've decided that I am going to add to this post the story of mom's disappearance and the search for her. Though it's unpleasant, it still is part of this story.

I will never forget...

My Mother, Donna Davis became an endangered missing person on Oct. 8th between 12:45 and 1:00 p.m. She was not found until Oct. 21st at around 10:30 a.m. by a hunter and was dead. She had only been dead for 1-2 days, so had apparently been in her car in a coma of sort for 10 - 11 days still alive. (This information was from talking to St. Louis University School Of Medicine where her body did get donated, and also from the funeral home which transported her there) She was exactly 11 miles from her home parking spot and approximately guessing 1/4th or probably less mile from the main hwy.

She made phone calls to family and myself saying that she was committing suicide by pills. My first phone call from her of the sort was at 12:54 p.m. The law was called immediately. They talked to her on my cell phone also. She was becoming tired, disoriented and lost.

I BEGGED for there to be a search towards Patterson, and towards the Clearwater Lake area.

A few hours later I am asked for them to please try and trace her cell phone calls, as this had not been done.

I told them that she could only be 10 to 15 miles at tops from home.

I talked to her on my cell phone and so did the police for OVER EIGHT HOURS!!! SHE WAS STILL ALIVE!!! She was totally messed up from taking the pills, could hardly talk, lost and did not know where she was anymore, sleepy, but still alive and conscious...

SHE COULD HAVE BEEN FOUND, AND HELPED, AND THE BULL ABOUT HER NOT WANTING TO BE FOUND WAS EXACTLY THAT ONLY BULL!!!

I am quoting her letters left about how DESPERATELY SHE WANTED HER BODY TO BE DONATED to St. Louis University!!!

"I have the body donation card in my purse and this letter will negate them having to do an autopsy so just send what is left to St. Louis University and hopefully you will find me before I get too far gone for them to take me"

"When they find me they will find 2 bottles of pills and that is what I have taken so please just tell them to do a tox screen and they will know the cause of death and I can still be sent to St. Louis U."

" Last will & testament of Donna Davis - You will find a card donating my body to St. Louis U- Med School. Please use money from electric company to
get me there. NO autopsy or they won't accept my body at school & my organ donations"

I myself had to go to the Piedmont Police Station and on their police computer and email a photo and description to KFVS Channel 12 because they did not know how and were going to have to call someone else into the station to do it so I did it!

I ask about a helicopter on day 2, but with no luck. I was told that they would have to come from Jefferson City and could only search for a maximum of 15 min. and then head back for fuel and it was very expensive.

On day five I tried to find a missing report on her on the internet but there was none. I again called the MSHP. It had NOT BEEN AND THEY SAID THAT IT DEFINITELY SHOULD HAVE BEEN FILED! I was told by them to immediately go to Greenville to the Sheriff's office, get them to file the report, and to tell them to give me a status report. I did that immediately, and their status report was "They were working on it." As soon as I filled the papers out they said they would fax it back to Piedmont Police .

At that time the Sheriff's deputy told me that the City Police needed me to be at the station at 2:00 p.m. and I was. Upon arriving, I was told that they needed me to file out a written statement so that they could file this with the MULES (Missouri Uniform Law Enforcement System) as all they had was a verbal statement and they had to have it written to be able to file it. I asked why after 5 days this hadn't been done, then the city officer told me "Oh it was", I then asked, "Well which was it? You can't do it without my written statement, or that it was done? Why didn't you have me do it then? I am not an officer of the law, I am her daughter, I do not know what to do but report to the authorities and I DID."

The fact is that it took the Piedmont Police SIX days to even file a missing person report for her!

The next morning the missing person came up on the internet Missouri Missing Person for the MSHP, but there was no photo, and also it said she was missing from Greenville, NOT Piedmont, a little bit of difference! 2 more days later there did appear a photo but still it said missing from Greenville on the listing.

Day 5 KFVS channel 12 asked for an interview and I agreed very thankful. As there was no publicity, radio, television, flyers, etc. ("I" did make flyers, and MY FAMILY put them up in local area businesses, etc. at this time). Also on day 5 I asked the Piedmont City Police for them to help me with a search party of people and friends of my family who were volunteering to come help, and which were coming from Fredericktown, Park Hills, & Ironton. I said that they would NOT know the area, that they would get lost, and that I did not know how nor was I capable to coordinate a search. I was told that it was NOT their responsibility, and that I should call the Wayne Co. Sheriff's Dept. which I did and they in turn told me it was not their responsibility, but rather the City Police because it had happened within city limits. I again called the city Police, and was told "Sorry, that I might be able to contact the MO Conservation Dept. and that they might be able to provide us with maps. I then called the MO Highway Patrol Office Headquarters and explained. The officer which I talked to said he was making a call and within less than 10 minutes the Sheriff & the Chief of Police were there and ready to help and set up a headquarters at the fire station and the Chief of Police had even had printed up a set of maps! It was during this that the news reporter showed up and did the interview, which of course showed them as doing everything possible.

They stated that each and every single road / back road, etc. had been searched 4 - 6 times each was NOTHING BUT BULL, AND ALSO IMPOSSIBLE! After this and the TV interview, the police didn't want to talk to me because quote: "I talk too much!" But "They didn't listen enough". They apparently decided at that time to cut me off of communication with me as there was never anymore.

They began believing that she was just hiding out which I KNEW wasn't true... With this beginning on Thursday, on Friday her vehicle was supposedly seen driving slowly on Blackwell Ridge. Later she was supposedly seen in Farmington at the prison driving a light blue, then dark blue or black bronco. They said she asked someone if they could help her find a Dr. and identified herself as Donna Davis. That she did not know where she was, and did not know how she got the vehicle she was driving. Then each drove off. There are video cameras at the prison, but to my knowledge they were never reviewed to identify if it really was her. At that time I was told “thru a relative” that they were only concentrating on a bronco, that they thought she had traded off her car and was hiding out. Then 1 week from her disappearance on Thursday her vehicle is allegedly sighted in Poplar Bluff at Aldi's grocery store. There are also video cameras there which as far as I know were never reviewed. Then I was told that she was supposedly in Ste. Genevieve.

I asked if they had checked her phone records and they hadn't. I asked if they would that though I didn't believe it, that if she were with someone she would have had contact with them surely. I was told quote "You do that and let me know what you find out!" I stated that the cell phone company would not give me that information because I was not on the account but was told to "try anyway". I did try, but of course they would not give them to me.

I kept telling them that she did not have her medicine bag which she ALWAYS carried with her and which had medicine in it that she truly did need, I also thought that the pharmacies should be checked. Because she could NOT function for near 2 hours in the morning until after she had taken them and they had time to take effect. As far as I know no pharmacies were ever checked.

Her bank account and food stamp card was being watched, and there was no activity on them.

The Wings of Angels Search & Rescue came to help. They needed maps, I called the Piedmont Police Dept., but was told that they could show, but not give them a map. The only thing offered to them was a map hung on a wall and saying what areas were already searched.

At the time we were there the officer asked me about how did I possibly know what times her letters were written on the computer? I replied "the letters on the computer have a create time on them". The Angels asked to see them but were told that that information was inaccessible as the officer which had taken them from me was off duty and they were not available until he was back on duty and present.

The Police told the Wings Of Angers Search & Rescue after 1 1/2 day of being there to quote "Stand back & stay out of it that it way that it was now an official police investigation". They said that they had no choice but to leave, that if they stayed at that point that they could be thrown in jail for obstructing justice! They had 60 people ready to help come search from their organization, and also another search and rescue called Tri State Search & Rescue which were ready to come help which never happened.

My 16 yr. old daughter was stopped by a MSHP and given a seat belt ticket. But she asked the officer if he had been watching or looking or her Grandma and his reply was " He was sorry, he didn't know anything of the situation and that she would have to go to the office and ask some of the other officers". I myself in searching went to the Ste. Genevieve Police Dept. to ask directions and asked the officer the same question and got the same reply " He knew nothing of the situation!" What is an A.P.B. All Points Bulletin if no law enforcement knows anything of the situation?

There was such a huge lack of communication with me from any and all law enforcement. I felt alone and I searched 1000's of miles, did internet research, tried everything I could possibly think of. Sent 100's of emails out. I am upset that I could not get a status update on anything. Not any help or updates of any sort...

Upon finding her body, my father, who had been divorced from my mother for many years is the one who informed me. When he asked if he could do anything for me I said YES, Call Them & Tell Them The Least They Could Do Would Be To Have The Decency To Call Me! He did and within 15 minutes I received a call from the Chief of Police, but this was after 3:00 p.m. I talked to the people who found her by finding their phone number online. They told me she was found at 10:30 a.m.

The Wayne County Journal Banner reporter was given my name and phone number with a request that I needed and wanted to speak to her while she was
doing an interview with the Chief of Police. There was an article printed with at the least 4 errors in it and I was NEVER contacted.

I personally drove to where the car was and it is only 11 miles from her parking space at the Camelot apartments which are in the middle of town.

After she was found, and with all of the excuses of that she wasn't in Wayne County but rather Reynolds, and that though it took the law till the 6th morning of missing to be posted and a flyer made I noticed that on the flyer it says: Law enforcement believes that Donna may have driven west into Reynolds County!

I will hold deep resentment for this incompetence forever and a day...

Mama I miss you so horribly...
Thanks for the times that you let me know your always with me!

She is looking after you ..just like Paul is looking after me.

Love is eternal..and has no boundaries in time and space.

:Big hug: to you, Mona.

You too DD


That's what friends are for!

This was from a psychic and what she picked up on the photos shortly after Mom's death.

Hi about your mum.

Did she have a terrible life with her father. I sensed terrible trauma which caused her emotional distance and making herself small inside of herself.
I do believe her suicide was assisted but from kindness rather than cruelty.
She asked this long before and was not afraid of death.
She saw what the other side felt like through her own experiences when she was alive.
I keep seeing her in a red ball room dress and she is dancing. She has a long cigarette in her hand.
I would assume her lungs didn't work well towards the end of her life as they feel heavy to me.
She finally has peace and she's dancing.
Love her gorgeous hair.

When she thinks of you she is getting a headache because of her guilt towards you and she punished herself a lot.
Lots of tears and she wishes she could have been more.
She is now Happy and free and wishes only that she can depart this feeling for you so you have something wonderful to hold onto in your life and don't
give up.
She was tough but could not deal with a lot of emotions as her own were so heavy.
My head sure hurts a lot.

Funny but she looks more like an adult cartoon character that is stunning.
She loves the dream she has created now.

I hope this helps you.

Blessings
Kalawna


I thank you so very much!!! "My way" is I have need to analyze your reading piece by piece and take all I can from it, and this is what I come up with.
I am sorry it is so long, but I want you to know how very very much that you have helped and how accurately you have picked things up.
I cannot thank you enough.

My Mom was not just my Mom, She was also my Best Friend, and Confident as she called it in my life.
Actualy my only Best Friend.
We could talk about anything and everything whether taboo or not.
I miss her horribly...

(Did she have a terrible life with her father)

Her biological father she only seen a couple of times from birth on, he was an alcoholic and died of cirosis of the liver.
When she was born and he saw her the 1st time his remark was "She is a beautiful baby, but I hope she dies".
She saw him once from a distance as a child, and she had a photo of him in a casket.
So I can see where going somewhere that he is now and I'm sure meeting him could have brought this up.
She had a few "step dads", but she said she never would call them Dad because that when she did they would always end up leaving.
Later she ended up with her "Dad" and much love in the relationship.
He is the one mentioned in the deer story.
After his death she changed her last name to his.

(I sensed terrible trauma which caused her emotional distance and making herself small inside of herself.)

Mom was a go-getter, not afraid to take on a challenge, proud and strong.
She was pregnant with me at 16, got married, and had many hard times.
She took her GED when I was 17 yrs. old and won a scholarship with the good grades.
Went to college, but this did not go over well with my father and they divorced with many problems.
She got her degree, worked in law enforcement, the crime lab, forensics, etc.
I was very proud of her.
Then came a bad wreck, and she was never the same.
She left her work to come home and take care of my Grandma who had became in bad shape.
This changed her world.
She had remarried to a truck driver, and there were problems which finally ended in a divorce.
She started doing contract sewing in a little bldg. beside my Grandma's house by herself.
This ended up as usual with Mom growing, expanding, and turning into a factory with 35 or so employees.
She hired especially the single mom's, welfare people, etc. she wanted to help and make a difference for someone.
She was on cloud nine and all was going well.
She would never let Grandma be alone, and when had to be gone would hire someone to stay with her.
Then the factory slowly fell apart, and this was a huge tramatic ordeal for her.
Then my Grandma died.
This took away my mom's pride and purpose, and she was really alone for the first time in life, broke, and her health totally fell apart.
She dealt with constant chronic pain, depression, financial problems, loneliness, and more.
I KNOW this made her feel (small inside of herself and was huge trauma)
From here on it seemed there were always more bad days than good, and she lost her pride and strength.

(I do believe her suicide was assisted but from kindness rather than cruelty)

Mom and I had always talked about EVERYTHING, even this.
We had both promised each other more than once, that if things got bad enough for the other that we would help.
But this definitely was not the case at this time, UNLESS I consider it as this, and this one hurts me horribly...
The night before Mom had called me and was drinking wine and well was slurring her words etc.
She didn't drink but maybe 1 drink very very seldom, and was definitely on wayyyy too many medications to do that and her reasons were because of depression etc.
I guess it also scared me because I know how bad her life had become and that she did have suicidal tendencies and talked about them several
times to me, so I lectured her a bit.
I went to Mom's that next morning, she was upset and well it was one of those times that "you just couldn't talk to her because you couldn't say anything at all right".
The conversation of the wine and medication was immediately brought up and she ran, grabbed a bottle of pain pills and threw them at me with them landing all over the floor.
I said "Mom, I'm not gonna fight with you, I love you, but we're not getting anywhere with this and I think it would be best if I left for awhile
and we both cooled off, and that I would be back in a bit and we'll go fishing and have a nice time despite".
She came unglued on me, shoved me back onto the couch and yelled that I wasn't going anywhere. I made the MISTAKE of leaving.....

When I came back about an hour later, I was right at her house and she called me on her cell phone and she said "I love you, it's not your fault, but I am calling to tell you good-bye, that she was going to see her Mom & Dad".
You can imagine I suppose from there.
The police were immediately called, the searching, the 13 days.
Total hell, and my last moments with my Mom who I loved so dearly having been a fight...
I did get to talk to her on the cell phone off and on for 8 hrs.
I am not sure if she had went into a coma or if the phone went dead.
But I thank her and God for those calls.
But maybe in some way it was assisted?
I actually did leave in kindness because I wanted things to calm down, but then if I hadn't of left perhaps this wouldn't have happened either, at least not at this time...

(She asked this long before and was not afraid of death)

For the past several years she had mentioned this off and on to me.
I would always try to cheer her and build her back up.
But the constant pain, her big handfulls of pills all thru each day.
I have sat with her crying many times from the pain, and most mornings it would take her the pills and about 2 hours before she could really function.
I only yesterday going thru papers found a different good-bye letter she had written me in Feb. 2009 and this actually happened on Oct. 2008, 8 months later.
I truly don't believe she was afraid of death because she was a firm believer that our souls are only energy, and that energy can never go away but only change form, and also the "Story".
Besides she was still very strong inside her head.

(She saw what the other side felt like through her own experiences when she was alive)

I definitely see this as the "Story" with my Grandma and Grandpa and which she believed in with all of her heart.

(I keep seeing her in a red ball room dress and she is dancing. She has a long cigarette in her hand. I would assume her lungs didn't work well towards the end of her life as they feel heavy to me. She finally has peace and she's dancing. Love her gorgeous hair)

This makes me smile, as though I cannot hardly imagine a ballroom, I can for sure see the dancing!
But then I could really see her very much liking the idea of really dressing up and going out, and yes probably the ballroom as she in this life would of never had the chance to do something of the such.
And of course yes she smoked and too much, very addicted and yes her lungs were not the best at all, lots of coughing.
But I do love the idea of this picture in my mind!

(When she thinks of you she is getting a headache because of her guilt towards you and she punished herself a lot. Lots of tears and she wishes she could have been more. She is now Happy and free and wishes only that she can depart this feeling for you so you have something wonderful to hold onto in your life and don't give up)

I worry about this very very much and feel guilty myself, because if she sees and knows me now and what I went thru and still am, I know she would be hurting because of me.
God I don't want her to hurt and I wish she could not see or feel me at all...
My life is very clouded it seems.
I did even contemplate the suicide myself on a particularly bad day, but decided I had kids and grandkids that still needed my help here and that my job wasn't done.
I do try to hold onto the good in life and of her, but as said the memories are clouded with the sadness of the whole, and the guilt of leaving that day and also of not being able to find her.
I have a deep inner fear that my feelings may be holding her back on her journey and pray that they aren't.
I am not sure how I can control them though.
Also, on each of the letters she had written it is mentioned that "I wish I could have been more".
With the headaches, they are mentioned more than once in the letters, here is a copy of one:

Hello Sis,

Just a little note to let you know how much I love you and how much I am gonna miss you but I will be watching just the same if that is possible.
I love you lots but just can't take the pain, loneliness, and depression any longer.
I am tired!!
I am sooooo tired of being in pain, being lonely, being always in the way or at least that is the way I feel.
I know that isn't true most of the time but a lot of the time it is.
You have such a full life and I hope that you have a good one from here on until it is your time to go.

I know you won't approve of what I am doing but for me it is the best choice I can make, and don't think I haven't thought it thru because I have.
I have spent so much time thinking about it that it gave me a lot of headaches...
Just remember I love you with all my heart and that you were always there for me even when it wasn't convenient for you and that I knew it even if I didn't always say it.

Mom

(She was tough but could not deal with a lot of emotions as her own were so heavy. My head sure hurts a lot.)

She was tough!
But you are so right, it was getting to the point where I hated to bother her with my problems anymore as she had so many of her own.
As the letter describes.

(Funny but she looks more like an adult cartoon character that is stunning. She loves the dream she has created now)

? But well that sounds amusing. I am very happy to hear that she "loves the dream" though.
I want her so badly to be in a happy, joyful, peace and contentment and without the pain.

(I hope this helps you. Blessings)

You have given me something more special than you could know with this.
I cannot thank you enough.
I am sorry that this reply is so very long but I wanted to let you know how very accurate you are in your reading, and how totally amazing.
Maybe I needed to vent to or something also with so much left unsaid or done to think of all the time.
But this is what I came up with and I want to save this whole thing so typed it all and also sending it back to you also.
But as I analyzed your words they just put together a perfect puzzle.
I only have one question, when you said: "She was tough but could not deal with a lot of emotions as her own were so heavy. My head sure hurts a
lot" did you mean your own head as you were doing this for me, or her head that you were picking up?

Thank you again and God Bless
Mona


Mona

She had so much trauma that she was burnt out and when she felt any person around her with intense or strong energy it would crush her.
It was heavy and she had been broken.
She must of been an amazing healer as they are tested the most.

She wasn't looking back and had enough of this world.
She is fine.
Her guides laughed and said she was suppose to leave a long time ago but she chose to stay to be with you.
There is not shame there except what you believe to perceive.

It was her head that was hurting and mine did in a way that brings my attention to it but my head wasn't hurting.

Must go to my band practice now and don't give up yet life is just beginning for you as soon as you let love come inside you to your solar plexus and spleen. Just direct this energy of loving thoughts to these areas with your hand.
Your mothers guides will be there to assist with you.
She has chosen to do something different for now.

love and light. Kalawna

I agree I can see Donna in a beautiful red dress dacning she loved music and to dance

It's almost 9 months mom. It seems yesterday that the nightmare started. I miss you so much, and you are on my mind every single day so much that I hate to say it has been so much. Good and bad... I start to call you still to tell you or ask you something, then my heart falls again. I miss so much your needed, or sometimes 'intruding' advice ha. Dean is out shortly, I promised to wait for him to do our 'thing' for you. I'm so glad that it's about to happen. Something makes me hope that it will bring some release.
But anyway mom, I love you so much, and miss you so much. I know your around, and thanks for the times I know you 'visit'. Tanner has a good home, and Thomas has very well adapted to this crazy house and seems to rule all. So no worries there. Now I know why you loved him so much! Big spoiled brat! Anyway mom, till the day, I love you with all my heart!

Happy Mother's Day Mom, and thanks so very very much for being mine!

I really miss you...

The following is from a conversation I had with another, but thought I would add it here also. I never mentioned it before I don't think, but the enlarged photo of the 1st 2 orbs to me appears to show faces and the lower one resembles my grandmother to me very much.

The orbs kicked my butt, especially the last one. The deer carries further than the story, and is something that not me, but my whole family has learned to believe in. Other stories, not put into time frame...

When I had my 1st pregnancy my grandpa was still alive, my last visit with him was of him trying to shove a pickle in my mouth and teasing me. He died, shortly after I miscarried. I tried again soon after, and all was well. On the way to the hospital on the side of the highway at the junction there was a buck deer that stood still as we passed. My child was born perfect.

When my son was to have his first child there were 3 different episodes of false labor. On the 3rd at the very same intersection on the way to the hospital was a big buck deer standing from what he compares with me in the same spot. That evening my grandaughter was born also perfect.

After mom's death I went through a total hell for awhile, I guess because of the circumstances even more than normal and not only wanted but needed tremendously to Know it was alright. It seemed that repeatedly when I would fall that the deer would be there. One morning I was so sad and lonely for her and while driving down my mountain there was a doe deer that jumped the fence into the middle of the road within 5 feet of my vehicle. I just stopped as did the deer, and though I'm sure it was only a second or two it seemed longer that we were just eye to eye. Then she jumped the fence to the other side. I began to drive again and the same deer again jumped from that side of the fence back to the middle and then crossed again to the other side. I just stopped the vehicle & sat for a few after that. Take it all as anyone may I suppose.

I went to put a rose and letter at the place where mom died and was found on an old logging road, as I was walking away in tears I turned and there was a doe standing yards away from me, she turned and just walked into the woods. On the same day on the interstate there was another deer standing beside the highway. I slowed to a crawl & the deer stood still as I passed it. In the rear view mirror I watched it turn and run back into the woods.

My mom swore that anytime she had a big decision to make that if she saw "The deer" that she knew she was doing the right thing, and that it seemed to prove enough for her to believe.

My brother, my uncle, all the same though before posting their stories I would want to refresh with them.

Mama, it's never ending my loving and missing you.
It's daily...

It amazes me Mama to realize that so much time has passed and yet it only seems like yesterday that we were there together... God I still miss you so much and still yet near pick up the phone to call and tell or ask you something without thinking for a second. There's always something to remind me of you and not a day passes without you beside me there...
It's almost been 3 years now, God, where is the time going?
The kids talk about you all the time, seems some of those ass chewings you gave must of sunk in more than any of us knew lol... Especially some of the big ones lol! Not long ago heard your grandson yelling at the kids "You don't lie, cheat, or steal, that's the worst things you can do!" Lol, how I remember that one! Funny, go back to us '3' lol, grandma, you, and me lol, my best to remember is "A frog don't get nowhere if he don't jump!" How true, but how scarey for me at times too. But then maybe that's why I'm yet sitting where I'm at huh ma?
Funny this place, long lost in cyberland, we used to talk here lots when away from each other huh. Somehow it's better than speaking to dead air though when I get the urge, more real...
Jesus I miss you mom, but I know you're there somewhere waiting for me, and I can't wait to fill you in on everything that's happened since you've been gone! You sure missed out on a lot and now another grandbaby is even on the way! But I'll be sure to tell them about their gr. grandma & pass along some of those little tidbits you sent down their way. I love and miss you very very much...

For some reason I can't get mom off my mind these past couple of days. Not a bad feeling, not a good one either, just there... I miss my mama sooooo very much! I think sometimes of things, and so many memories go thru my mind, from a baby till the last day.
Funny how we take things for granted...
I learned from this though, not to take what moments we are given for granted so quickly, to savor every second of good with our loved ones.
I don't have as much time as I would like to at all with my family, my children, my grandchildren. It doesn't even seem fair at times and sometimes I even feel cheated, yet I realize and remember how it was once upon a time when I too was so busy trying to raise 4 kids, a husband, a house, a job, and not having time left over to wipe my butt. So I try to understand... It don't help a lot though...

How the hell did I get here anyway??? I mean you're gone, Daddy's old, and shit I'm getting old now it feels... My babies are grown, they have families of their own, children, my grandchildren. Hell, weren't YOU the grandma? Oh yeah, forget for some brainfart second lol, you had became the GREAT grandma lol! I wonder if I'll ever see that day?
Jesus I miss you mama, I cry tonite in your memory. You're so close to me, yet so very very far away... But your love, it remains inside myself, and part of you, who you were, what you were, and everything about you, and I thank you for leaving me with that.
I love you mama...

It's 'That' time once again, the anniversary of all the nightmare...
It doesn't seem at all possible that it's been 3 whole years, it still yet seems yesterday...
I love or miss you no less mama...
A lot's been going on around here with the family and myself, seems there's always something. I sure miss having you to talk to about it all. Whether I did what you told me or not, I did listen & use what I thought I could at the time. Probably should have a bit more lol. Anyway, I haven't forgotten & try to use it daily.
I feel more like 'you' everyday, and I wish I could tell you that I understand more today than I ever could have then...
I love you mama, so very very much...

Very strong tonite mom, I miss you horribly. So many things I'd like to talk to you about...
I love you very very much...

I wish I could ask you 'now' what it's all about, what I should be doing, how I should handle things, and well, you know, all those things that I somehow figure you know the answer to now. Sometimes I feel so fkn confused...
It's feeling strange and humorous to me lately this life thing. It seems it takes a 'lifetime' to even begin to start to figure it out, but then bu that time you realize that somehow it's just a near bit almost too late. Damnit...

Mama I'm sorry for anytime that I ever disrespected or hurt you while I was growing up or afterward. (Hmm, did I ever 'grow up'? Is there such a thing as that?) I only wish I could tell you that once again face to face.

Jesus Christ there sure are some days that I could benefit talking to you Mama!!!